We open in a government office. The walls are beige, there is a flag in the corner, a laminated poster explaining the naturalization process, and a row of empty plastic chairs. Behind the desk sits Officer Kowalski, a tired examiner who has administered the citizenship test nine thousand times, or at least she feels like it. She has seen, she is certain, everything. Well, except for this.
The door opens and Dirty Dragón enters. Prepared. Over his mask and gear he wears an American flag as a cape, a foam Statue of Liberty crown, a stars-and-stripes bandana, mirrored aviator sunglasses, and a giant foam number-one finger on his right hand. A plush bald eagle is perched on his left shoulder. He is eating a hot dog. He sits down across from Kowalski, sets the hot dog on her desk, and salutes.
„Officer. I am ready. Make me an American,“ he states.
Officer Kowalski looks at the eagle. „…Sir, is that a real bird?“
„His name is Freedom, of course. He does not answer questions from the government,“ Dragón says. „Neither do I, usually. But I will make an exception today, because I have a very important reason to become a citizen.“ He leans in. „In a few days, I face a man called Ethan Murphy for a championship. But not just any championship. THE American Championship. And he believes it belongs to him because he is so, so American. The muscle. The fury. The flag. So I have found the loophole, officer. If I become even Americaner than him, legally, on paper, with a certificate, then the American Championship must, by law, belong to me. It is simple justice.“
„That is genuinely not how any of this works. Also I don’t think Americaner is a word,“ Kowalski says.
„Test me. I have studied,“ Dragón says and cracks his knuckles inside the foam finger, which makes no sound.
Officer Kowalski sighs, pulls up the standard question sheet, and decides the fastest way out of this is straight through it. „Fine. Question one. Who is the Father of Our Country?“
Dragón does not hesitate. „Chuck Norris.“
„…George Washington.“
„Are you certain? Because Chuck Norris has the mustache, the muscles, and counted to infinity twice. That is a father, officer. Daddy, even“ He points at her. „Write it down. Half credit, at least.“
She does not write it down. „Question two. What is the supreme law of the land?“
Dragón thinks hard about this one. „The customer is always right.“
„The Constitution,“ she states plainly.
„That is exactly what a customer who was wrong would say.“
Officer Kowalski pinches the bridge of her nose. „Name one branch of the United States government.“
„Easy. There are three,“ he says and counts them off on the foam finger, which has only the one finger. „Gold’s Gym. The Waffle House. And the mall, on a Saturday.“
„Those are not the branches of–„
„Checks and balances, officer,“ he doesn’t let her finish. „The gym makes the muscle, the Waffle House feeds the muscle, and the mall is where the muscle buys its jorts. It is a beautiful system. The founding fathers would weep.“
She soldiers on, because stopping feels more dangerous now than continuing. „What do we celebrate on the Fourth of July?“
„The day Will Smith flew a jet into the alien mothership and saved the entire planet,“ Dragón says, with total reverence. „I have seen the documentary four times. God bless that man.“
„That is a Hollywood movie. The holiday is Independence Day. From Great Britain. In 1776.“
„So you admit an alien was involved,“ Dragón insists.
„I did not say that,“ Kowalski shakes her head.
Dragón, now completely certain he is dominating this exam, decides to close strong. He stands, presses the foam finger over his heart, and gestures for her to rise as well. „Officer. Before you hand me my certificate, I wish to honor this great country the only proper way.“
He clears his throat, and to a tune that vaguely resembles the national anthem, he begins to sing his order off a fast food menu. „Ohhhh say can you seeeee… one number two combo, large… with the fries, and a Coke, no ice, because ice is for cowards…“
The plush eagle slides off his shoulder and hits the floor. He does not stop singing.
When he finishes, he throws his arms open wide, waiting for applause, a certificate, perhaps a small parade.
Officer Kowalski sets down her pen. „Sir. You answered zero questions correctly. Zero. I cannot in good conscience even put a score on this. I am going to have to ask you to leave.“
Dragón removes the aviators, genuinely puzzled, and then, slowly, he begins to smile. „…Zero. Of course. OF COURSE.“
He bends down and scoops the eagle off the floor. „I understand it now, officer. I was doing it all wrong. I was answering the questions. But a REAL American does not answer questions. A real American does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, because of freedom.“
He slides the aviators back on. „You have taught me the most important lesson of all. I do not need your test. I do not need your certificate. I already have the only thing that matters.“
He picks his hot dog back up off her desk.
„The attitude.“
He salutes, flag cape billowing behind him, and strides out. The eagle stares back at Officer Kowalski from under his arm until the door swings shut.
We cut to Dirty Dragón somewhere quiet and dim, the cape and the eagle gone, back in just his mask and gear. He looks into the camera.
„Ethan Murphy. The Red Rocket. The AMERICAN Champion.“ He says the title slowly and loudly. „The American muscle and fury, red, white, blue and gold. You wrap yourself in that flag like it is going to protect you, mijo. And in two weeks at Ward, I am going to take it off you and beat you twice in one night.“
He tilts his head.
„I will be honest with you, Ethan. I even tried to do it your way first. I tried to become an American. I studied. I took the test. I befriended an eagle. And I learned something very important in that sad little government office. A real American does not follow the rules. A real American does whatever he wants. So thank you, amigo. Your people taught me the exact way to beat you. I am simply going to do whatever I want.“
He smiles leans back.
„You keep saying it, over and over. American this. American that. The red, the white, the blue. Amigo, I am a luchador from Puebla. I have beaten men in more countries than you have ever visited, in more languages than you can even count. Your anthem does not frighten me, and the word ‚American‘ stamped on the front of a championship does not make it worth one peso more to me. It is a belt. I collect championships. This one simply happens to have stars on it.“
Dragón’s expression sharpens.
„But let us talk about you, mijo, since you love to talk about yourself. The youngest of six. Your parents didn’t have many varied ideas on spending free time, did they?“ he smirks.
„Your brother is a superstar in the NBA. Your sister stars on Broadway, in the movies. The whole family famous,“ he smiles, almost kindly.
„And then there is you. The one who looked at all of that spotlight, all of that fame, and chose bloodiest, least famous stage the family has. And now you stand in the middle of it, holding onto a title for dear life, because you know you’re 1-4 since you won it and it’s your last little chance at any relevancy. In your family, or anywhere for that matter. You are just the little brother, Ethan, trying so hard to make mommy and daddy notice you. And I am about to walk off with the one thing you have.“
He straightens.
„They call you the Red Rocket because you never get tired. You can go all night, all day, you never run out of gas. That’s good for your life partner, congratulations. And in a wrestling match, especially two out of three falls match, that is supposed to be your great advantage, sí? You will claim you will outlast me, wear me down over three long, honest falls.“
Dragón chuckles and shakes his head slowly. „Stamina only matters in a long fight, mijo. And a fair one. And I don’t intend to give you either. I don’t need to outlast you. I need to out-think you. And that doesn’t make me tired at all.“
His voice drops, calm and certain.
„That’s the real reason you’ll lose, Ethan. The thing you are proudest of is the exact thing that beats you. You said it yourself. Every win, every loss, on your own terms. No shortcuts. No help. No stable, nobody watching your back, you earn everything the honest way, the hard way, the right way.“
He nods slowly. „That is beautiful, mijo. Truly. It is also a to-do list for me. ‚The right way‘ is just a list of all the things you refuse to do. And I am going to do every single one of them.“
He raises two fingers.
„Now think about the match, Ethan. Really think about it, the way I already have. Two out of three falls. You have to beat me twice. And you have to do it your way. Clean. Honest. That’s who you are, right? That’s the entire point of you. Twice. Two clean, perfect, heroic falls.“
He lifts the two fingers a little higher. „I also have to beat you twice. But here is the difference between us, the little difference that wins me this championship. I can afford to lose one. Do you understand what that gives me? A free fall. One entire fall where I can do absolutely anything I want, just test you, just figure out the match, and it costs me nothing. I can grab that beautiful title and crack you across the skull with it and take the disqualification, smiling the whole time, because losing that fall does not matter to me even a little. You have to be a hero twice. I get a free crime. And you cannot stop a man who is allowed to do the one thing you will never let yourself do.“
He looks straight into the lens.
„You want to keep that title clean, Ethan? There is only one way left. You have to beat me. And you are not going to beat me. So one way or another, amigo, that perfect, honest, all-American little story of yours is about to get very, very dirty.“ He smiles. „I’m sorry… I meant…
DIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTY!“
Dragón laughs and we fade to black.